Let's Chat...

5 years ago, I thought I was "busy".  Between work and home and husband and friends - it seemed like I had so little downtime.  Now listen, that was all my own doing.  I was the person who chose hospitality, I chose to buy a fixer-upper house, and couldn't say no when someone asked for a favor.  Well, let me tell you that having a baby changed all that!   I'm still not very good at saying no to friends or family, our house still needs some fixing-up, and now there is a toddler to take care of in addition to my husband and myself.  

So, let's chat.  At the encouragement of friends, I'm going to attempt to revive this "hot mess" blog.  I've been told I have good recommendations and suggestions, so I guess there will be toddler-type posts.  See that squishy cheeked, bright eyed girl below?  That's our Maggie (Margaret when she is in trouble) and she turned 2 in July.  Maggie is a bundle of fun - a busy girl - and truly the most amazing addition to our families.  

Photo by Bearded Photography 

What else do you want to know/read about? 

• Food and Recipes - or are there enough other resources for that?  
• Fitness and Exercise - or are you SO OVER reading nonsense from yet another Beachbody coach?  
• House stuff - we build it/paint it/clean it over here or do you outsource the hell out of that too?  

I'd love to say I'll post a few times a week with great photos and well thought out posts, but REAL LIFE just doesn't allow that.  Let's shoot for once a week, yeah?  Maybe twice a week if I find something really awesome or if the Amazon Prime fairy has fabulous lightning deals I need to share.  OH - and there will be a post for sure in September about traveling with a toddler because we're taking Maggie to CHICAGO and Indiana for a friend's wedding.  On an airplane.  So, anyone have Southwest drink coupons you want to mail me?  

Happy Wino Wednesday Mamas! 

Snappy Swagger - Baby Girl's Got Swagger!

Oh yes, I'm back to the blogging world!  And what better way to introduce you all to our sweet baby girl than with a review of a fun product that's helping us through this new world of teething.  DROOL BIBS!  

Thanks to Snappy Swagger, I received one Car Seat Canopy Blanket AND 3 Bandana Drool Bibs!  The Car Seat Canopy is made of a great patterned fabric on the outset and a fun & soft mink fabric on the inside.  If you're not familiar, mink fabric is quite soft and Maggie loved playing with it from underneath the cover.  The large buttons made it simple to install over the car seat carrier, and was a great barrier against this awful Pennsylvania winter and wind we're currently in the middle of.  

The drool bibs were better than I expected, with two sets of snaps to allow for a snug fit for both small babies and as they grow.  Maggie has recently begun the wonders of teething (I think), based on the amount of drooling and "hand in mouth" we're currently experiencing.  With three patterns, it also means Mom doesn't have to do laundry everyday - what a WIN WIN!  

I hope you'll consider buying a Car Seat Canopy Blanket with 3 Bandana Drool Bibs for yourself, or for a gift.  I know this will be on the top of my list for gift giving, as 2016 is looking to being quite a year of babies!  Want one for yourself:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B018STO00A

I did receive these products at a discounted rate from Snappy Swagger for my use and review.  

Hershey's Spreads - You NEED this!

Yes, I titled this post 'You Need This'.  Seriously though, I was so sad when my CrowdTap shipment of Hershey's Spreads was lost in translation.  I was sure that with a shipment date of 12/18 and no delivery on January 2nd that I was doomed.  So imagine my excitement yesterday  when my Hershey's Spreads delivery arrived in the mailbox!

I did my duty as a good wife, and shared with my husband for snack time! We tried a variety if dips/dunkers (hello - remember dunkaroos!) with our Chocolate spreads! 

I have to say that this stuff was more than a little addicting.  Obviously the apples were a winner - and so were the almonds!  I wasn't sold on the kiwi - and I may have only had stale graham crackers, that was kind of a buzz kill.  

Fast forward to our return from vacation, and hubs made himself a pb and Hershey's Spreads chocolate sandwich for lunch.  Guess it's a keeper!  I did want to mention that I didn't see any in my stores until after the new year, but we've spotted it in two Giants and an Acme - so I know it can be found for you to try in SE Pennsylvania! 

Unwritten & Unread

There are some days that are SO GOOD I can't wait to blog about them.  And then there are days that are just so awful it takes days to recover from the sadness.  I'm not one to write a post and hit publish though, there is always an hour or two of thinking about the post, proofreading, spellchecking, grammar-nazi behavior.  So there are currently 19 draft posts sitting in blogger.  None of them are finished, some are just a title and two lines, and there they all sit, unread.  

I want/need/desire (I cannot find the right word) to get back into the place where I could sit down with my journal and write until my hand hurt, my brain was calm, and I found peace inside my heart.  It has been a long time since I was that girl, since I have found that place, and I miss it within the depths of my soul. 

Friday was a day that was SO GOOD, I couldn't wait to share my joy with everyone I knew.  My bff at work had her baby on Friday - a sweet 6lb, 13oz baby girl with a head of hair and the cutest smile at just 1 day old.  And my little brother became an Army Infantry Sniper.   He is one of just 150 graduates from that program this year.  I was SO SO SO proud, happy, excited at the end of the day.  

And then there was Saturday, where I made a list of all the things that I wanted and needed to do before Christmas - and thought I would cry right on the spot.  Trying to be me, a good friend, a good bridesmaid, a good wife, and a good daughter is exhausting.  I wish I could enjoy our first Christmas in our home.  Instead, I'm focused on Christmas for my dad and brother - decorating their home, buying them a tree, and wrapping their gifts.  I bought a tree for our house, but it has no lights or decorations, because there isn't time.  I think Christmas this year is proving more difficult than Christmas last year, and it is exhausting.  Last year there was support from all areas of our lives, and it did lift a bit of the burden from our shoulders.  This year, not the case. I am off on Tuesday from work, and my to-do list is already so long I know it is unattainable.  I'm not sure who this sad, exhausted person is that I have become - it's not the person I want to be and I know it is not the person my Mommy raised.  But how do I find myself again? How do I find myself when my goal for 2014 (an incredibly personal one) has been turned down as a possibility by one of my best friends? How do I find myself when those I used to count on don't answer calls or respond to texts when I need them most? How do I make time for me when my suggestions of simplifying the holidays and other events are met with responses of selfishness and disrespect? 

Here's to 2013 being over.  Yes, I'm wishing away the last 15 days of this month, wishing away the last 2 weeks of this year.  I'm ready to start over for myself - to find myself - maybe?

Thankful - Day Three

Day Three

 Today I am thankful for my husband.  For his strength - both physical and emotional.  For his ability to make me laugh and smile, even when life brings me down.  For his patience, understanding, and compassion.   We have grown together beyond what I could have imagined in the last 8 years and this man just "gets" me.   See back to Number 1 for the crazy place I met him - my St. Patrick's Day lover ;)

When people tell me how lucky I am to have Kevin, I try to remember to say thank you instead of "I know".  I do know that I am lucky to have him, but I also think that it was necessary that I have Kevin.  See, when I picture myself going through the trials, devastation, and sadness of the last 4 years without him - I see myself literally crying on the floor.   I won't say that there has not been some on the floor crying, but having Kevin by my side to pick me up and dry my tears; that is what gets me through each day. 

Thank you Kevin, for every day and every moment with you.  Thank you for putting up with "in sickness and in health" more than I ever thought we would experience.  Thank you for being both my rock and testing my patience all the same.  Thank you for putting the pieces back together when I never thought I would be whole again.  Thank you for forgiving me when I spend our Eating Out budget on candy and toys for Boy Wonder.  Thank you for making dinner, cleaning the house, and paying the bills on days when I just can't do anything more than sit.  Thank you for loving me better than I ever knew I deserved. 

Thankful - Day Two

And I fell off the bandwagon after just one day - does that really surprise anyone?! 

Day Two 

I am thankful that I am able.  I am so thankful (this week especially) that I am able to do so many things, specifically those that help others.  I had an experience like none other this week, getting to meet a friend's little boy just hours after being born and getting to hold him, spend time with family and friends, and pray over him as he went home to the Lord.  

I am thankful that I was able to take time off work, that I was able to share the emotions, joys, and sorrows with new and old friends, and that I am able to continue to support them.  I am financially and physically able to help clean their house, do their laundry, and cook meals for them - to help ease their burden during this time.  These are all things that not everyone can do - and I am so thankful for my ability to do so! 
 

Holly, Joe, and Cullen Tusing - you are in my thoughts and prayers every minute of every day <3 font="">

Thankful - Day One

Yes, I am jumping on the "oh so cliche" bandwagon and hopefully posting something I am thankful for each day in November.  I am going to make a prediction here that I'll miss at least one day; that my thankful on actual Thanksgiving Day will be something food related; and that my thankful on the 30th will be Tylenol (we have a wedding on the 29th).  Please don't expect something deep and philosophical each day - I'm taking this with the idea that honesty and "being me" should come through here. 

Day One

I am thankful for IUP.  While it was the school known as 'I Usually Party", and where I was a member of the track team - neither of those are the real reason I am thankful for it.  IUP was the place where friends became family over the course of 4 years.  I'm thankful that Kevin and I both chose this school 250+ miles from our homes, for the time we spent there, the people we met there, and the adults we've become as a result of 2003 - 2008.  IUP - thanks for teaching me more than a few lessons about parties, snowy winters, and how not to be arrested by the mounted police.  IUP - thanks for introducing me to some of the most influential friends in my life.  IUP - thanks for being within my budget, having the "right" major, and a kick-ass track team too. 

And because no post is really complete without a photo - here is an IUP classic.  

Prayers, Please

I have thought for weeks about what I could write that would have enough meaning for the situation at hand.   Some of you may remember that back in June, a friend's baby was diagnosed with a fatal defect known as Anencephaly. 

Yesterday, Holly delivered a beautiful baby boy named Cullen Joseph Tusing.  Experiencing the emotions, faith, and love yesterday was without a doubt one of the most meaningful days of my life.  I hope to post on the emotions and impact of the day soon, but for now - I'm asking for your prayers.  You see, Cullen's birthday was a day filled with support, love, friends, and family.  But I know firsthand how quickly that support can stop.  I understand as well as anyone that life is busy, we get caught up in day to day strife, and for YOU life will move on.  Today and everyday forward, the most I can hope for Holly is that she finds the support she needs and wants.  

Mommy & Cullen

Holly's and her friend Kelly have done an absolutely beautiful job of keeping the blog "Carrying Cullen" up to date throughout the journey.  If you would like to learn more about Cullen, the Tusings, and see an example of super-human emotional strength and faith - please visit www.CarryingCullen.com

Where I've Been?

Not that my little spot is the most popular place on the Internet, but I feel like after 28 days of radio silence you all deserved some sort of explanation.  I wish I had an exciting announcement, something fun to share with you all, but I don't.  

I've spent many evenings being thoughtful. About my soldier who is finally home, about my relationships with friends & family, and myself too.  There have been several days of working outside, working inside, and making strides in this little home of ours.  There have also been days of great sadness.  I had one of the most difficult days on the anniversary of my mommy's passing, and while I am thankful I had amazing family to spend the evening with, it was hard.  

There are a few blog posts waiting to be edited, and I hope that I'll be back with some kind of regular posting schedule soon.  For now, I hope you'll stick around to hear more about this little house and what is going on with our life this fall. 

xoxo

Hubby Turns 30!

Heck yes! My amazing husband turned 30 in July, and it was party time in the Gehman household! He didn't want some big crazy event, and after less than 6 weeks in our new house - I was in no shape to host.  So, the Phillies hosted for me! 

We pulled together about 20 family members and friends and had a Phillies Tailgate party.  It was a test of my sanity and coordination at times, but we had plenty of food, plenty of beer, and a great time! Blueberry muffins were the breakfast food of choice since this shindig kicked off about 9am with our carpool into the K Lot! We grilled dogs and burgers, had condiments, pasta salad, and birthday brownies! Yes, we even sang happy birthday and made the birthday boy blow out a candle! A keg from Victory was the way to go, and for those that know my husband it was no surprise! 

 While I love these people, I couldn't afford to pay for every one's tickets - so I provided food, booze, and games and tickets were their choice.  Some people chose to buy real seats, and about 12 of us did SRO (that's Standing Room Only for you non-diehards).  SRO provided some great photos, and I'm not going to lie - these are some of my favorite moments of the day! 

Would I do it again?  In a heart beat!

Homeownership - It's Official

 I have promised several people a recap of how our home purchasing process went, so here it is.  Now please remember that my feelings today are much different than they were the day we closed and the day we made our initial offer.  I have written and revised this post as my feelings and emotions changed, because it is better for all involved (mostly the damn banks).  

In July of 2012, a house came on the market in our dream neighborhood, it was big and had room to host family dinners, plus a two car garage, and less than an hour from my parents! It was a little out of our price range, but we kept our eye on it for several weeks.  

September 2012, our world came crashing down and I was in no place to look at houses, I just wasn't ready to move on.  Thankfully my awesome husband understood and we put things on hold. 

November 2012 - We decided we were ready, and began the pre-approval process for a mortgage, found a realtor in our area, and started to look.  Oh lord, did we look at some winners and some losers.  A few met every "cute" requirement but were impractical.  One was very safe (read: you looked at the police station from the front door), but had nothing else going for it.  No rush though, we had no home to sell and the timeline for leaving the rental was very flexible. 

December 1, 2012 - Kevin and I came home early from a weekend trip because the dream house was back on the market, and somehow within our price range.  Kevin had seen it pop up online, and while we were out of town my awesome cousin drove up to write down the agent's information so we could send it to our realtor. At the time, we didn't know it was a short sale, just that we were going to tour it on the first day back-on the market (with a new bank). The tour wasn't long, another couple came in just after us, and it was less than 24 hours before Kevin and I had costed out repairs, upgrades, and what we could afford.  Oh yes, we wanted this house - and badly.

December 3 - We put in an official offer with what seemed like a billion dollar deposit, every piece of paper I've ever touched, and finalized mortgage approval.  And then, we waited.  and waited. and waited.  It only took 4 days for the owners to accept our offer, and we thought we were done with the hard part.  Try again Jess, this was just the beginning. 

December 7 - May 1 - Yes, that would be 5 months of waiting, form completing, and wishing I could strangle BofA.  I've never had such strong feelings for a bank like I did during this process, but oh good lord.  Even after being approved by our bank and our agents bank, BofA had their own approval process that Kevin and I had to meet.  After e-signing almost 40 documents, the bank then decided that for 2013, they were no longer accepting e-signs and Kevin and I had 24 hours to physically sign the documents and fed-ex them to California.  That might work for normal people, but remember I work days, my husband works nights, and I think our Real Estate Agent was ready to throw us overboard.  About once a week (or more), BofA would need us to read and sign something.  And then send it back within 24 hours.  Some things I understood, others seemed frivolous and confusing.  Just sell us the house, we know it's vacant, we know you don't want to own it! Cue, frustration - tears - anger - and disappointment.

May 1 - We finally get a settlement date, all of the paperwork is signed, and Kevin and I are headed to Home Depot.  You see, we had only given ourselves about 2 weeks from our May 17 settlement date to our move-in date of 5/25.  That meant we needed to order and get the carpet measured right away.  Carpet is measured and ordered within 24 hours, and the order is also placed for two new french doors to replace the rotting ones that don't really lock (oh yeah, this house was a real winner).

May 16 - we are supposed to close tomorrow - I am mostly packed at the townhouse, parents and family are ready to help, and my phone rings.  The owners and their agent missed a portion of some document that stated they needed to bring $5,000 to closing.  They don't have $5,000 - we aren't closing tomorrow and BofA is considering walking away.  This means Kevin and I have spent 5 months planning for this house, we are packed and ready to move, we bought carpet and doors, and might lose this house.  How is it fair that we might lose the house because the seller's agent didn't read properly?! Our agent attempts to find a middle ground - Can she pitch in the money; Can Kevin and I split the cost with her; something.  Did we really want to spend another five thousand dollars, no - but we also weren't sure that five thousand dollars was worth walking away over.  Not that there was much time, BofA gave us 24 hours. Commence an exhausting, stressful, and sleepless night.  

May 17 - We aren't closing today, but they have moved closing to next Tuesday, the 21st.  Well - I don't get my hopes up this time, and we enjoy the weekend with family.  Except every time I see something in my parent's house, I think - Oh that would look so cute above the door in the new house, Ugh.  Maybe, if we have a new house?

May 21 - The good news is, our phones didn't ring last night and we haven't been cancelled yet.  Except our agent is out of town on vacation, so who the hell knows what is going on.  But seriously, it happens.  We get the keys, sign our lives away, and head for home.  Head for home at 2pm, and Kevin has to leave for work at 2:30.  Oh yes, let the joys of second shift home ownership begin.

*whew - if you made it all the way to the end, you are a saint. *

Fast Any Night Dinners

After requests from a few friends, here are 6 of my favorite quick dinner ideas.  These friends somehow think I've got my sh*t together, which is flattering and an enormous joke all at the same time.  After living with two men, working late evenings, and hubs who needs re-heatable dinners (for 3 - 11), we've gotten our fair share of successes and failures.

• Fake chicken parm
• Chili and cornbread
• Chicken Caesar salads
• Pulled Pork Sandwiches 
• Frittata & Toast
• Enchiladas 

Is 27 Too Old to Play Dress-up?

Kevin and I visited friends that live in the Bloomsburg area (for those of you not from PA that's here). 

via bestplaces.net

Anyway, while we were there we made a trip to the mall to check out a kid's museum/activity center.  And let me tell you, it is possible that the 27 and 29 year old (that would be Kevin & I) had as much fun as the two year old.  Because really - when she tells you to put on the hard hat, you do it. 

 

Love you little one!

Breakfast Food Obsession

Time to come clean about my obsession.  Breakfast food.  I could eat some form of "breakfast" three meals a day and never get tired of it.  Pancakes, French Toast, Waffles, Eggs - I'm not picky, really.  

I mostly blame this on my mom, because she loved to make breakfast for dinner - breakfast at noon on a Sunday, any excuse for Brunch or "Brinner" was a win in our house! I think if Kevin realized how often I eat breakfast for dinner while he's at work he might be shocked, but what he doesn't know can't hurt him, right? It just seems so easy to mix up two eggs and some vegetables in a pan and make an omelet - one dish (maybe two if I use a real plate vs paper), and a spatula! Waffles are a bit more complicated, but I have gotten really good at making a batch of 20 and then freezing them.  So, a few mins in the oven and some syrup - DINNER! It's also a great excuse to drink coffee with my dinner, something I usually struggle to validate. 

Case in point... iPhone food photography at it's finest (completely kidding, I am not a food blogger or a food stylist and my food only looks pretty when Instagram filters are applied). 

So, when your husband (or significant other) is away, what is your go-to food?!

Trips I'd Love to Take

Money & PTO were not an issue, these are the top 7 vacation destinations on my list! (Note: these are all within the States, I'll save international goals for another post. 

1. Vegas - Gambling, Shows, Hoover Dam (I am such a nerd)
2. Alaska - wildlife, glaciers, Juneau
3. Hawaii - yes please
4. Texas - friends, scenery, the ALAMO
5. Yellowstone - hike all day, drink all night
6. Colorado - Denver/Breck/Vail - I cannot ski, but I'm okay with that.
7. Maine - Lobster. Hiking. Relaxation. Jordan Pond.

Yellowstone - Courtesy of Yellowstone.net

Out of that list, I've only ever done Maine before.  And that is a trip I would take every year if I could - the peace, the hiking, the LOBSTER, oh yes please.  My parents chose to do Hawaii on their own about 15 years ago, and I can't blame them.  With my geo-geek dad, they had a wonderful time exploring volcanoes, taking helicopter rides, etc.  I feel like people are shocked that I am 28 and have never been to Vegas, but when you turn 21 after the rest of the planet, everyone had already done Vegas.  And, I somehow don't have any friends living there (hello, hospitality industry?!).  Don't worry though, I'll make Kevin take me soon enough.  

 

via alaska.org

We've been talking about taking a cruise (another thing I've never done), and an Alaskan cruise sounds like so much fun!  Texas is on the list mostly because one of my bests lives there - and I would love to visit her and that ginormous state! The rest are just trips on my list - ones that I would love to take with my husband, and do our usual.  Our usual being, the cheapest means of travel, finding a hotel that I can use my wonderful Hilton Employee Discount at, and taking a billion photos.  Kevin and I both have the same travel style - we need a little down time, some historical options, outside activities, and great food!  

This is my idea of heaven.. Hello South of France

How about you - what are your dream trips?

Homeownership - What We Bought/Got

After 3 1/2 years of marriage and two rentals - we finally bought a house.  Except this isn't just any house, it's the FOREVER house.  Both my parents and my in-laws still live in the homes we grew up in.  Kevin's parents moved into their house when he was two and mine moved into our house three years before I was born.  And while I understand that jobs may change, emergencies arise, etc - Kevin and I both LOVED growing up in the same house our entire childhood.  And it's nice now too, to go back to the same home that we learned to walk in, tie our shoes, and got ready for every first and last day of school.  

We have a long way to go with this crazy house, and a few projects already completed that will grace this blog over the next few weeks.  But for the time being, here are the basics! 

• Two story home, built in 1988
• Our dream development - the same one my Aunt & Uncle have lived in for 22 years
• Great school district, close to shopping, parents, and work 
• Walking distance to a park with tennis courts, basketball courts, a pond, running trail, etc. 
• Four bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, a living room, sitting room, dining room, and eat-in kitchen
• My husband's dream 2 car garage, and a small shed for outdoor toys

I've got a few photos ready to go, but we'll stick with recapping the downstairs for now.  I'll tackle the upstairs in a whole different post so as to not overwhelm you with the mess we purchased.

After looking back at some of these pictures, I'm not feeling so bad about the current state of our house! We've officially lived here for the entire summer (Moved in Memorial Day Weekend), and it feels more like "home" and "ours" with every little project!

Life Update

I know I've pretty much fallen off the face of the blogging world, and I've been okay with that for a while.  Doing my best to maintain my sanity, find a work-life balance, and get my mental status together has been hard. I know there will always be good days and bad days, but I'm trying to still find that point where there are more good days than bad.   I have such amazing friends IRL, but struggle with calling them when shit really sucks.  I know they will be supportive, but no one wants to be the Debbie Downer 100% of the time, and I feel like that is where my brain is stuck.  I was having a wonderful day last Wednesday and did something that was just so "Mom" and while it made me smile, I just could not kick the funk for the rest of the day. 

This is Ella, my best friend's baby. SO CUTE!

Now, that is not to say that there haven't been some good things in my life.  I'm trying to get on a better eating/cooking schedule for myself and for Kev.  With him working 3 - 11, he is NEVER home for dinner during the week.  I get discouraged quickly when I am the one cleaning, cooking, shopping, prepping, etc.  So, since I hate to grocery shop, I'm making Kevin go with me on Sunday evenings.  We make a list, make a meal plan, and shop.  It's not glamorous, but running errands with him is much nicer than running them alone.  So, I only get stuck cooking, cleaning, and eating by myself two or three nights a week - much better than 5! Added bonus is that I've actually lost 5lbs, and I don't know many people that will complain about that! 

Also, my dad took us skydiving.  And yes, the skydiving was an amazing experience and I can't wait to go back.  It was fun and exciting, and to get to do that with Kevin and my dad was the absolute best! But, even better than skydiving was this amazing friend we made.  Victoria was our instructor and she is AMAZING.  Patient, and a little crazy - so informative and reassuring.  She lives close to my work and in the last week we have developed an awesome friendship! How lucky am I to have made such a great friend doing something so cool? 

Prepping for one wedding shower while planning travel for 3 weddings all within 7 weeks of each other plus the wedding we're just now dress shopping for = insanity.  I've actually got an individual folder/binder/box for some of these weddings because i am so nervous I'm going to royally screw something up.  Wish me luck on that part - even my level of organization is taking a hit here.  While my poor bank account also takes a beating, let me tell you.  Planning one bridal shower across the state (that's in 2 weeks); attending a wedding in NC (that's in October); then two weeks later a wedding in Pittsburgh; then the November wedding; and then the big trip to Washington (the state of, not DC) in January.  My head is spinning.  Party central. 

Okay, off to find my sanity.  Again.

Lifeway Summer Challenge

I was so excited to find out I had been selected to participate in Influenster's Summer Program with Lifeway! I'm not huge on purchasing products out of my comfort zone at the grocery store right now.  I think like most people, I am hesitant to spend $5 or $8 on a product that I might not like - who can afford to waste money like that?! 

I did receive the coupon for one free item courtesy of Influenster and Lifeway, but received no compensation for my review.  I JUST REALLY LIKED IT! I checked out the Lifeway website to see what products they had, and when I learned they had frozen kefir, it was well worth the trip to Wegman's.  On a regular basis I would probably be hesitant to make a special trip, but in this case it was worth it.  The Pomegranate and Strawberry flavors were all they had at Wegman's, but I am currently on the search for the Mango flavor as well! The frozen kefir was so smooth, and while it tasted a bit more like yogurt than most frozen yogurts, it was a great summer treat! 

Has anyone else tried any of Lifeway Kefir products? I'm not sure I am brave enough to drink my yogurt - but I'll take it as a frozen treat any day! 

Talking - to myself, to mom, to this piece of paper.

I had a notebook that I used to keep notes in from Mom's doctors appointments while she was in treatment.  It served lots of purposes, but the most important one was so I didn't forget anything that WE wanted to ask the doctors.  It was easy to call or look-up drug information online, but not so easy to reach the doctors sometimes.  

That notebook sat unused for several weeks through October, and then right before November I picked it up again.  And for the last 8 months, I've used it as a journal of sorts, for things I would normally call, text, or email Mom about.  At first it was a little weird - but now it brings me peace.  I can throw out ideas, write my way through them, or just jot down some ideas for when I talk to her later.  So far there have been so many exciting things that I wish I could call to tell her - in addition to sad things, but that's not where I'm going with this.  I don't think I will ever share the pages of this journal or the ones that follow with anyone, that was never my goal.  If Kevin, or my kids, or my nosy little brother happen to read them - then so be it, but that's not the goal. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even if you're not a writer (hello - I'm not), writing down your feelings can be almost as good as talking about them.  Sometimes it is tough to talk to friends and family about a touchy situation.  I know my mom would always help steer me towards the right decision, she was my moral compass and the one that could calm me down even in the worst of circumstances.  There is one situation in particular that has left me heartbroken, sad, and unable to come to terms with my thoughts more times than I'd like to admit and it stems from jealousy.  Yes, I know how terrible that sounds, and I am afraid it is only going to sound worse, but I need to let these feelings go. So okay Internet, here it goes.

I am jealous that some of my best friends are having babies and that their moms are there to see it, experience it, enjoy it.  Part of me can't believe I said that out loud, and part of me is relieved.  I am infinitely happy for these ladies - and their amazing kids - and wonderful husbands - and happy families.  But my heart is absolute overwhelmed at the realization that I'll never have a photo of my children and both of their grandmothers.   I know that no one means it menacingly, but I've spent a lot of time in my journal venting about how no one understands and how they don't appreciate their moms enough.  I sure did my fair share of bitching when Mom stuck her nose in my business, but I would give anything to have her do that now.  And the jealousy only gets worse when the people who get to enjoy these moments with their Moms then bitch about how Mom is all up in their business.  Please, pretty please, appreciate your Mom while you've got her.  Mommy, I'm so sorry for the probable thousands of times I didn't appreciate you enough. 

There is a part two to this post, that I've rambled about on twitter a little.  It comes back to the often-discussed topic of why everyone needs to stop asking women "when are you going to have kids?"  I discussed that one way back in February (see here) and still pretty much feel the same way I did then.  When we're ready. When my heart is ready.  When I can talk about her without crying, maybe then.

It's Not Supposed to be This Way...

Today's post is dedicated to a wonderful friend of ours Holly, her husband Joe, and their un-born baby, Cullen.  

As I've spent the last 9 months wrapped up in my own sadness, grief, and despair I have learned a lot.  I have learned about myself, my friends, and what truly matters. There are many days where no condolences or hugs will make the pain any easier.  But there are also days where I forget the pain, and relish in the memories I have. I can only hope, that Holly's journey will lead her to the same place.  To the place where someday - the good days outnumber the bad.  You see, Holly, Joe, & Cullen are in the beginning stages of their life together, as Holly is just 22 weeks pregnant, and have received devastating news.  

Holly goes into more detail on the blog she has created Carrying Cullen, but Cullen has Anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect.  This means so many things for their family, but most importantly means that these 9 months inside Holly will be much more time together than they will have after he is born.  I wouldn't have put this on the internet for everyone to read if I didn't think there was a purpose.  My purpose today, is brought to you via Holly - the most faith-based, God-trusting woman in my life.  Won't you please pray for them - send them good wishes - good vibes, whatever your heart leads you to do.  

I have grieved and cried for their family of three for the last two weeks, because this is not how life is supposed to work.  The parents are never supposed to bury their baby, and people as truly GOOD as Holly and Joe should never have to experience this type of pain.  For my good friends, for babies and families to come, please pray.