Life Update

I know I've pretty much fallen off the face of the blogging world, and I've been okay with that for a while.  Doing my best to maintain my sanity, find a work-life balance, and get my mental status together has been hard. I know there will always be good days and bad days, but I'm trying to still find that point where there are more good days than bad.   I have such amazing friends IRL, but struggle with calling them when shit really sucks.  I know they will be supportive, but no one wants to be the Debbie Downer 100% of the time, and I feel like that is where my brain is stuck.  I was having a wonderful day last Wednesday and did something that was just so "Mom" and while it made me smile, I just could not kick the funk for the rest of the day. 

This is Ella, my best friend's baby. SO CUTE!

Now, that is not to say that there haven't been some good things in my life.  I'm trying to get on a better eating/cooking schedule for myself and for Kev.  With him working 3 - 11, he is NEVER home for dinner during the week.  I get discouraged quickly when I am the one cleaning, cooking, shopping, prepping, etc.  So, since I hate to grocery shop, I'm making Kevin go with me on Sunday evenings.  We make a list, make a meal plan, and shop.  It's not glamorous, but running errands with him is much nicer than running them alone.  So, I only get stuck cooking, cleaning, and eating by myself two or three nights a week - much better than 5! Added bonus is that I've actually lost 5lbs, and I don't know many people that will complain about that! 

Also, my dad took us skydiving.  And yes, the skydiving was an amazing experience and I can't wait to go back.  It was fun and exciting, and to get to do that with Kevin and my dad was the absolute best! But, even better than skydiving was this amazing friend we made.  Victoria was our instructor and she is AMAZING.  Patient, and a little crazy - so informative and reassuring.  She lives close to my work and in the last week we have developed an awesome friendship! How lucky am I to have made such a great friend doing something so cool? 

Prepping for one wedding shower while planning travel for 3 weddings all within 7 weeks of each other plus the wedding we're just now dress shopping for = insanity.  I've actually got an individual folder/binder/box for some of these weddings because i am so nervous I'm going to royally screw something up.  Wish me luck on that part - even my level of organization is taking a hit here.  While my poor bank account also takes a beating, let me tell you.  Planning one bridal shower across the state (that's in 2 weeks); attending a wedding in NC (that's in October); then two weeks later a wedding in Pittsburgh; then the November wedding; and then the big trip to Washington (the state of, not DC) in January.  My head is spinning.  Party central. 

Okay, off to find my sanity.  Again.

Lifeway Summer Challenge

I was so excited to find out I had been selected to participate in Influenster's Summer Program with Lifeway! I'm not huge on purchasing products out of my comfort zone at the grocery store right now.  I think like most people, I am hesitant to spend $5 or $8 on a product that I might not like - who can afford to waste money like that?! 

I did receive the coupon for one free item courtesy of Influenster and Lifeway, but received no compensation for my review.  I JUST REALLY LIKED IT! I checked out the Lifeway website to see what products they had, and when I learned they had frozen kefir, it was well worth the trip to Wegman's.  On a regular basis I would probably be hesitant to make a special trip, but in this case it was worth it.  The Pomegranate and Strawberry flavors were all they had at Wegman's, but I am currently on the search for the Mango flavor as well! The frozen kefir was so smooth, and while it tasted a bit more like yogurt than most frozen yogurts, it was a great summer treat! 

Has anyone else tried any of Lifeway Kefir products? I'm not sure I am brave enough to drink my yogurt - but I'll take it as a frozen treat any day! 

Talking - to myself, to mom, to this piece of paper.

I had a notebook that I used to keep notes in from Mom's doctors appointments while she was in treatment.  It served lots of purposes, but the most important one was so I didn't forget anything that WE wanted to ask the doctors.  It was easy to call or look-up drug information online, but not so easy to reach the doctors sometimes.  

That notebook sat unused for several weeks through October, and then right before November I picked it up again.  And for the last 8 months, I've used it as a journal of sorts, for things I would normally call, text, or email Mom about.  At first it was a little weird - but now it brings me peace.  I can throw out ideas, write my way through them, or just jot down some ideas for when I talk to her later.  So far there have been so many exciting things that I wish I could call to tell her - in addition to sad things, but that's not where I'm going with this.  I don't think I will ever share the pages of this journal or the ones that follow with anyone, that was never my goal.  If Kevin, or my kids, or my nosy little brother happen to read them - then so be it, but that's not the goal. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even if you're not a writer (hello - I'm not), writing down your feelings can be almost as good as talking about them.  Sometimes it is tough to talk to friends and family about a touchy situation.  I know my mom would always help steer me towards the right decision, she was my moral compass and the one that could calm me down even in the worst of circumstances.  There is one situation in particular that has left me heartbroken, sad, and unable to come to terms with my thoughts more times than I'd like to admit and it stems from jealousy.  Yes, I know how terrible that sounds, and I am afraid it is only going to sound worse, but I need to let these feelings go. So okay Internet, here it goes.

I am jealous that some of my best friends are having babies and that their moms are there to see it, experience it, enjoy it.  Part of me can't believe I said that out loud, and part of me is relieved.  I am infinitely happy for these ladies - and their amazing kids - and wonderful husbands - and happy families.  But my heart is absolute overwhelmed at the realization that I'll never have a photo of my children and both of their grandmothers.   I know that no one means it menacingly, but I've spent a lot of time in my journal venting about how no one understands and how they don't appreciate their moms enough.  I sure did my fair share of bitching when Mom stuck her nose in my business, but I would give anything to have her do that now.  And the jealousy only gets worse when the people who get to enjoy these moments with their Moms then bitch about how Mom is all up in their business.  Please, pretty please, appreciate your Mom while you've got her.  Mommy, I'm so sorry for the probable thousands of times I didn't appreciate you enough. 

There is a part two to this post, that I've rambled about on twitter a little.  It comes back to the often-discussed topic of why everyone needs to stop asking women "when are you going to have kids?"  I discussed that one way back in February (see here) and still pretty much feel the same way I did then.  When we're ready. When my heart is ready.  When I can talk about her without crying, maybe then.

It's Not Supposed to be This Way...

Today's post is dedicated to a wonderful friend of ours Holly, her husband Joe, and their un-born baby, Cullen.  

As I've spent the last 9 months wrapped up in my own sadness, grief, and despair I have learned a lot.  I have learned about myself, my friends, and what truly matters. There are many days where no condolences or hugs will make the pain any easier.  But there are also days where I forget the pain, and relish in the memories I have. I can only hope, that Holly's journey will lead her to the same place.  To the place where someday - the good days outnumber the bad.  You see, Holly, Joe, & Cullen are in the beginning stages of their life together, as Holly is just 22 weeks pregnant, and have received devastating news.  

Holly goes into more detail on the blog she has created Carrying Cullen, but Cullen has Anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect.  This means so many things for their family, but most importantly means that these 9 months inside Holly will be much more time together than they will have after he is born.  I wouldn't have put this on the internet for everyone to read if I didn't think there was a purpose.  My purpose today, is brought to you via Holly - the most faith-based, God-trusting woman in my life.  Won't you please pray for them - send them good wishes - good vibes, whatever your heart leads you to do.  

I have grieved and cried for their family of three for the last two weeks, because this is not how life is supposed to work.  The parents are never supposed to bury their baby, and people as truly GOOD as Holly and Joe should never have to experience this type of pain.  For my good friends, for babies and families to come, please pray.

Embarrassing Christopher - Just A Hug

Please forgive me for the excessive mushy-ness of this post, but I needed to get this off my chest and a few tears on a Friday never hurt anyone.

While little brother is deployed, I've made list upon list of things I would love to do with him when he comes home.  Some are big things - like skydiving.  Some are little things - like a hug.  

When I think about all of the things that Chris and I have been, done, seen, experienced through the last 24 years together, that hug ranks high on my list.  When I was 6, or 16, I never would have said that.  But today, those hugs mark several defining moments in my life.  When I think about the 4 moments below, they are earmarked defined by that hug.  I don't remember "his hug" before our wedding - maybe it was then that I really learned to treasure those moments with him.  Or maybe it just took us both growing up and realizing how short life is to truly appreciate that need to Hold On to one another. 

Defining Hugs - Courtesy of Little Brother:

1. Our wedding day - moments following the ceremony, when we all did our "omg we did it" happy dance, I grabbed that kid and hugged his slightly teary face. And he hugged me right back - us both having such big smiles, so thankful for each other in that moment. 
2. Post Basic/Airborne - My dad was working second shift, so Mom and I went to the Philadelphia Airport to pick up Chris when he came home from Airborne for a few weeks of block leave.  Mom and Dad had seen him graduate from Basic, but it had been more than 4 months since I had seen his face.  He left just two days after Hug 1, and to see him in his camo glory come through those doors, oh my heart. There were tears all around (this seems to be a theme), and it felt so good to have him squeeze the breath out of me.
3. The night we lost my mom.  There was nothing that could make me feel so safe, and so vulnerable.  I'll write this story here someday, but for now - I'll just say that this is one of those moments.
4. Goodbye before Afghanistan - We had the greatest family trip to Ft Drum before Chris deployed to Afghanistan.  It was an action packed 3 days with Dad, Kev, Tommie, and I and I would not trade it for the world.  As we stood in front of Chris's barracks and got ready to load the cars, Dad took Chris and I both into his arms.  I can't even write this without crying, and truly cannot wait to have both Dad and Chris in my arms again - which can't come soon enough.

Post Hug-One

 There are certain aspects of growing up that I hate (hello bills), and some aspects of growing up that I love.  Learning to appreciate that little brother of mine, and knowing how important it is to remember moments like these - this part I love. 

Boy Wonder - I'll sign this blog post the same way I sign every card, every Facebook message, and every Skype session.  Be Safe, Head Down, Go with Purpose.  

Love Always, Big Sister