Talking - to myself, to mom, to this piece of paper.

I had a notebook that I used to keep notes in from Mom's doctors appointments while she was in treatment.  It served lots of purposes, but the most important one was so I didn't forget anything that WE wanted to ask the doctors.  It was easy to call or look-up drug information online, but not so easy to reach the doctors sometimes.  

That notebook sat unused for several weeks through October, and then right before November I picked it up again.  And for the last 8 months, I've used it as a journal of sorts, for things I would normally call, text, or email Mom about.  At first it was a little weird - but now it brings me peace.  I can throw out ideas, write my way through them, or just jot down some ideas for when I talk to her later.  So far there have been so many exciting things that I wish I could call to tell her - in addition to sad things, but that's not where I'm going with this.  I don't think I will ever share the pages of this journal or the ones that follow with anyone, that was never my goal.  If Kevin, or my kids, or my nosy little brother happen to read them - then so be it, but that's not the goal. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even if you're not a writer (hello - I'm not), writing down your feelings can be almost as good as talking about them.  Sometimes it is tough to talk to friends and family about a touchy situation.  I know my mom would always help steer me towards the right decision, she was my moral compass and the one that could calm me down even in the worst of circumstances.  There is one situation in particular that has left me heartbroken, sad, and unable to come to terms with my thoughts more times than I'd like to admit and it stems from jealousy.  Yes, I know how terrible that sounds, and I am afraid it is only going to sound worse, but I need to let these feelings go. So okay Internet, here it goes.

I am jealous that some of my best friends are having babies and that their moms are there to see it, experience it, enjoy it.  Part of me can't believe I said that out loud, and part of me is relieved.  I am infinitely happy for these ladies - and their amazing kids - and wonderful husbands - and happy families.  But my heart is absolute overwhelmed at the realization that I'll never have a photo of my children and both of their grandmothers.   I know that no one means it menacingly, but I've spent a lot of time in my journal venting about how no one understands and how they don't appreciate their moms enough.  I sure did my fair share of bitching when Mom stuck her nose in my business, but I would give anything to have her do that now.  And the jealousy only gets worse when the people who get to enjoy these moments with their Moms then bitch about how Mom is all up in their business.  Please, pretty please, appreciate your Mom while you've got her.  Mommy, I'm so sorry for the probable thousands of times I didn't appreciate you enough. 

There is a part two to this post, that I've rambled about on twitter a little.  It comes back to the often-discussed topic of why everyone needs to stop asking women "when are you going to have kids?"  I discussed that one way back in February (see here) and still pretty much feel the same way I did then.  When we're ready. When my heart is ready.  When I can talk about her without crying, maybe then.

It's Not Supposed to be This Way...

Today's post is dedicated to a wonderful friend of ours Holly, her husband Joe, and their un-born baby, Cullen.  

As I've spent the last 9 months wrapped up in my own sadness, grief, and despair I have learned a lot.  I have learned about myself, my friends, and what truly matters. There are many days where no condolences or hugs will make the pain any easier.  But there are also days where I forget the pain, and relish in the memories I have. I can only hope, that Holly's journey will lead her to the same place.  To the place where someday - the good days outnumber the bad.  You see, Holly, Joe, & Cullen are in the beginning stages of their life together, as Holly is just 22 weeks pregnant, and have received devastating news.  

Holly goes into more detail on the blog she has created Carrying Cullen, but Cullen has Anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect.  This means so many things for their family, but most importantly means that these 9 months inside Holly will be much more time together than they will have after he is born.  I wouldn't have put this on the internet for everyone to read if I didn't think there was a purpose.  My purpose today, is brought to you via Holly - the most faith-based, God-trusting woman in my life.  Won't you please pray for them - send them good wishes - good vibes, whatever your heart leads you to do.  

I have grieved and cried for their family of three for the last two weeks, because this is not how life is supposed to work.  The parents are never supposed to bury their baby, and people as truly GOOD as Holly and Joe should never have to experience this type of pain.  For my good friends, for babies and families to come, please pray.

Embarrassing Christopher - Just A Hug

Please forgive me for the excessive mushy-ness of this post, but I needed to get this off my chest and a few tears on a Friday never hurt anyone.

While little brother is deployed, I've made list upon list of things I would love to do with him when he comes home.  Some are big things - like skydiving.  Some are little things - like a hug.  

When I think about all of the things that Chris and I have been, done, seen, experienced through the last 24 years together, that hug ranks high on my list.  When I was 6, or 16, I never would have said that.  But today, those hugs mark several defining moments in my life.  When I think about the 4 moments below, they are earmarked defined by that hug.  I don't remember "his hug" before our wedding - maybe it was then that I really learned to treasure those moments with him.  Or maybe it just took us both growing up and realizing how short life is to truly appreciate that need to Hold On to one another. 

Defining Hugs - Courtesy of Little Brother:

1. Our wedding day - moments following the ceremony, when we all did our "omg we did it" happy dance, I grabbed that kid and hugged his slightly teary face. And he hugged me right back - us both having such big smiles, so thankful for each other in that moment. 
2. Post Basic/Airborne - My dad was working second shift, so Mom and I went to the Philadelphia Airport to pick up Chris when he came home from Airborne for a few weeks of block leave.  Mom and Dad had seen him graduate from Basic, but it had been more than 4 months since I had seen his face.  He left just two days after Hug 1, and to see him in his camo glory come through those doors, oh my heart. There were tears all around (this seems to be a theme), and it felt so good to have him squeeze the breath out of me.
3. The night we lost my mom.  There was nothing that could make me feel so safe, and so vulnerable.  I'll write this story here someday, but for now - I'll just say that this is one of those moments.
4. Goodbye before Afghanistan - We had the greatest family trip to Ft Drum before Chris deployed to Afghanistan.  It was an action packed 3 days with Dad, Kev, Tommie, and I and I would not trade it for the world.  As we stood in front of Chris's barracks and got ready to load the cars, Dad took Chris and I both into his arms.  I can't even write this without crying, and truly cannot wait to have both Dad and Chris in my arms again - which can't come soon enough.

Post Hug-One

 There are certain aspects of growing up that I hate (hello bills), and some aspects of growing up that I love.  Learning to appreciate that little brother of mine, and knowing how important it is to remember moments like these - this part I love. 

Boy Wonder - I'll sign this blog post the same way I sign every card, every Facebook message, and every Skype session.  Be Safe, Head Down, Go with Purpose.  

Love Always, Big Sister 

In a Friday Funk (House - Part One)

Wouldn't you think I'd have learned my lesson about getting my hopes up at this point?  Nope, guilty again of getting my hopes up and heart set on a house, only to have those hopes dashed.  Womp, here is Part 1 of our crazy house story, because I am hoping against all hope (yep, here I go again) that there will be a happy Part 2 to share someday soon. 

September 2009 - Hubs & I get married, leave our slightly ghetto apartment, and move in with a friend in a great townhouse. Living situation is amazing - Hubs is working & going to school, there is no outside maintenance, and I am in charge of cooking, cleaning, etc while still having another person to split the bills with. 

Summer 2011 - We think we are maybe, finally, ready to buy a house.  We've got basic areas nailed down, know what area we're focusing on - Downingtown and have saved more money than we thought we would!  It fits the bill of having a cute downtown area, is home to Victory Brewing, and less than 45 minutes from both sets of parents, while still being less than 30 mins to work! *timebomb* Mom gets sick, house buying is cancelled - there is no way we can shop for a house, move, heck do anything but focus on my Mom. 

November 2012 - Not loving the whole roommate situation so much anymore, really not loving the 70 minute drive to and from my dad's house several days a week.  Decide we'll make it through Thanksgiving and then hit house hunting with all we've got. 

December 1, 2012 - Come home early from a visit with friends because our dream house, in the dream neighborhood, perfect school district, and 35 mins from Dad is on the market - as a short sale - and even in our price range.  Okay, we'll figure out the short sale business, understand the basics about the time frame and the waiting process.  Time to prep an offer - even though this dream house has god awful carpet, a blue bathtub, shell shaped sink (say that 3 times fast), and some UGLY light fixtures. 

December 5, 2012 - Offer is owner accepted, happy dance! Except this is only the beginning.  From 12/5/12 to 4/1/13 (that would be 4 months) we responded to and wrote 219 emails, and bent over backwards to adhere to a 24 hour response time for everything the short sale bank requested.  

April 4, 2013 - Holy crap, we've got everything signed.  That giant PDF is the acknowledgement to our agreement of sale! Time to schedule (quickly) our inspections and chose a closing date that works for the 8 people that need to be there.  Inspections are scheduled within 8 days, we are comfortable with what we find, and are all in. Closing date set for (today) May 17, 2013 - the perfect house will be ours. 

dream backyard - fenced for the future puppy!

May 15, 2013 (7:30pm) - Our realtor calls, closing needs to be delayed because of "issues out of our control".  That's my polite way of saying - damn this bank, the sellers agent, and life. And now, we wait.  We wait to see if the sellers can hold-up their end of the deal, if the bank really wants to sell this house - or if they're going to sit on it until it falls into foreclosure. And we wait, with our house full of boxes - only 6 work outfits, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of pajamas in the mix.  Our dishes are packed, there is virtually no food in the house, and bathrooms are cleaner than they've been in months.  

I'll leave this the same way I called out to the Facebook world for help.  If you're the prayer type, could you please pray that this works out?  A house of our own, somewhere to make new (happy) family memories, is what my heart needs right now. 

P.S. - if you tell me that my Mom is looking out for me and that everything will work how it is supposed to, I might smack you.  Regardless if that is the truth, this Saturday (5/25) is her birthday and I had this crazy plan to plant a tree in her honor at our new house.  Cue, tears.

I just hit 'mark as read'

 I always catch-up with bloglovin' after a few crazy days and some minor OMG moments when my unread count reaches 800. But today and yesterday, I found myself hitting 'mark as read' because it hurt too much to read your posts. So many old you had lovely Mothers Day brunches and lunches and gifts from your kids. My Mother's Day breakfast was with Daddy and Hubs, and a little lonely. I bought Mommy a pretty orange flower and planted it at her grave. I told her how much I loved her still, smiled as hubs reminded me that even in death, moms grave is overlooking her own mother's - the one she always kept an eye on. Many friends called on Sunday, and similarly to how I wasn't ready to read your posts, I wasn't ready for their condolences either. This will hopefully be the hardest Mother's Day, but I can say I'm proud of myself for surviving and visiting some oh so lovely and special ladies.